Malice in Blunderland

Well, the first week of school is over and already I am hearing of larger classes and commendable education programmes being scrapped due to lack of staff. Time for another look at the troubles of 1995. I wrote "Malice in Blunderland"  in early March 1995. It was published in the WA Teachers' Union newspaper, The Western Teacher,  that same month and created quite a clamour.

“So you think that teachers should get a pay rise,” said Alice.

“Oh, of course they should,” said the Mad Hatter. “They certainly deserve a big pay rise.

“They deserve a very big pay rise,” chipped in the March Hare. “After all, they haven’t had a pay rise for an awfully long time.”

“Well,” asked Alice, “how much will you give them?”

The Mad Hatter and the March Hare exchanged patronising smiles as the Mad Hatter put down his tea cup and leaned closer to Alice and said, “You silly girl, it is not a matter of how much we will give them. It is question of what extra things they will do to earn it?”

“Yes,” echoed the March Hare, “what will they do to earn it? They will need to work much harder before will give them anything at all.”

“But,” replied Alice, “you just said that teachers deserved a pay rise. Why must they do something extra to earn it?”

“You stupid girl,” growled the Mad Hatter as he put more lumps of sugar in his tea. “Of course they have to earn it. You cannot give someone a pay rise simply because they deserve it.”

“It’s against the law,” mumbled the March Hare as he munched on another cream bun. “The law says no one can get a pay rise unless they increase their productivity. You know what that means, I suppose?”

“I think I do,” said Alice. “But didn’t you both get big pay rises without increasing your productivity?”

“Oh, you senseless child. Of course we did, but that wasn’t anything to do with us. It just happens that politicians and senior public servants like us automatically get a pay rise whenever judges get a pay rise. Don’t you know anything? You are a strange child.”

                                                                                                                        

“Yes,” said the Mad Hatter. “We had to take a pay rise because the law said so.”

“Well who made that law?” asked Alice.

The Mad Hatter flung a cream tart at Alice and stood up on his chair. “What is wrong with you that you keep asking such silly questions? WE made the law of course. That is what us politicians do. That is what we get paid to do.”

“Please sit down.” said Alice. “You have your hand in the sugar bowl.”

“What is more,” the March Hare complained, “some teachers have stopped taking children on camps and stopped organising school socials, school balls and graduation dinners. We will certainly not be giving them a pay rise while they have banned these absolutely essential educational activities. I just shudder to think how many final year students will fail Mathematics and Science because they did not have a school social this year. I don’t suppose you have thought about that?”  he said glaring at Alice.

“No”, I must confess that it had not crossed my mind,” replied Alice demurely.

“It seems to me that very little has crossed your mind. Pass the tea please,” the March Hare mumbled as he scoffed another cream bun.

“But if you say that teachers deserve a pay rise, then surely you should give them one,” asserted Alice.

“Indeed, we shall not,” the Mad Hatter said firmly. “They won’t get a cent until they lift their bans. Anyone banning school activities will not get a pay rise.” 

 

“But, those things you mentioned aren’t bans,” protested Alice.  “They were only done by some teachers out of the goodness of their hearts. How can you say someone has banned something that they did not need to do in the first place? ” Alice asked the Mad Hatter.

“I can say it because I have just jolly well said it. If they don’t plan to volunteer to do what they did before, then they have banned it.”

“Well,” replied Alice, “that is the strangest thing that I have ever heard. I am not planning to climb Mt Everest next month, neither do I plan to make a strawberry fruitcake tomorrow, but you cannot say that I have banned them. Besides, there are some teachers, who because of subjects or classes that they teach never go on school camps or have school socials or graduation ceremonies. You cannot say that they have banned something if they have never done it in the past.”

The Mad Hatter jumped to his feet once more and threw a custard slice at Alice. “It doesn’t matter whether they all did it or not. Some teachers did those things in the past and so we expect them to be done, and they must be done, before we can talk about giving them a pay rise.”

“We have a plan that will make them come to their senses,” the March Hare smirked as he chewed on a water cress sandwich.

“Yes,” beamed the Mad Hatter,” we are going to ask all teachers if they are going to continue with the bans or not?”

And then what will you do? ” asked Alice as she ducked another custard slice.

“We will give a pay rise to all of the teachers who say that they are not banning anything. Perfectly brilliant plan, don’t you think so, Miss, whatever your name is?”

“My name is Alice and I think your plan is silly.”

The March Hare fell off his chair and the Mad Hatter slumped face first into a bowl of cream cakes. Slowly, the March Hare’s face appeared above the table. He helped the Mad Hatter wipe some of the cream of his face and then turned to Alice and said, “Silly?  Silly?  And why would you say it is silly?  You are the silly one around here.”

“Well,” answered Alice, “it is silly for several reasons.”

“Oh, is it now,” the Mad Hatter said as he removed the last traces of cream from his face. “Several reasons, hey? Alright, give me 41 reasons why it is silly?”

“I can give you some reasons, but not 41.”

“See,” chortled the Mad Hatter as he gave a knowing wink to the March Hare. “She can’t do it. She said ‘several’ and that means a number greater than 1. Now any fool knows that 41 is greater than 1 but she cannot give me 41 reasons. I knew she was silly when she first sat down.”

I knew that she was silly before I even met her,” said the March Hare.

“There is no need to get personal,” Alice replied, “but your plan IS silly. Let us look at it carefully. You are going to ask all teachers if they have banned any activities. Some teachers will say ‘No’  because for various reasons they have never been involved in those activities in the past and are not likely to be involved in the future. You plan to give these teachers a pay rise…for doing nothing. Yet, you told me that no one can get pay rise unless they do extra work. Now that is silly,” said Alice.

“Then, there are lot of teachers, who for many, many years have volunteered their time and efforts in various after school activities but they have chosen not to do so this year. These teachers are not going to get a pay rise. They will be doing as much work this year as the other teachers are doing, but are being punished for all of their time and effort in doing a lot of extra work in their own time in years gone by. That is really silly,” sneered Alice.

The Mad hatter threw his hat on the ground, looked at Alice and said, “The trouble with you, Miss, is that you don’t know anything about education.”

A teacher's 2020 vision of the future.

This week was the start of the 2014 school year. I fear that  schools and teachers will have hard slog this year as the government's funding cuts and staff reductions take effect. It could be a bit like 1995 when the government introduced the idea of "productivity increases". This policy meant that teachers had to give up something or work harder if they wanted a pay rise. I didn't notice our politicians working harder for their AUTOMATIC pay increases.

 I wrote a couple of pieces in support of teachers. This one was written in February 1995 and published in The West Australian newspaper. It created quite a stir and I received many favourable faxes and e-mails as a result. The article was reprinted in the British Columbia Teachers  Association newsletter and also in French in a Swiss education magazine. 

A Swiss lecturer at the University of WA rang me up and asked if he could forward my story to a magazine in Zurich. At first I thought it was one of my friends playing a trick. But he was serious and they printed it, in French, and sent me a copy of the magazine. I showed it to a French speaking gentleman of my acquaintance. He said it read much better in French!

Of course it also gives me a chance to rest my brain and dip once more into the vault.

Little did I realise that the changes to the wage fixing principles in the mid 1990s would bring me to my present perilous position in the year 2020.

You see in the 1990s some Industrial Relations guru, I think his name was Mandrake, came up with the bright idea that you couldn’t get a pay increase unless you increased your productivity.

I am a teacher.   Previous to the “increased productivity” system, teachers used to occasionally look at what doctors, lawyers, nurses, policeman, accountants, journalists and politicians were getting and tried to maintain some sort of relativity in pay scales.

For instance, in 1972, several of the senior teachers at the school I was at were getting the same level of pay as a parliamentary back bencher.

Anyhow, after a series of negotiations between the Teachers Union and the Education Department teachers would get a pay rise.  Not as much as we asked for, or as much as we thought we deserved, mind you, but at least we felt we were back on a par with other salary earners.  More importantly, we felt we were valued.

In 1996, however, under the “increased productivity” system, teachers only gained a 10% pay rise surrendering certain working conditions.  They had to start work at 8.00 a.m. and stay at school till 5.00p.m.

The government said this was very productive, even though most teachers were so emotionally drained by 3.30p.m. that they did not really do much marking or preparation between 3.30p.m. and 5.00p.m.  They continued to do these things after tea time when they had stopped shaking and had nursed their nervous system back into gear with a couple of gin and tonics.

Then in 2002 teachers again felt the need for a pay rise.  This time they gained an 8% increase but they gave up all of their term holidays and just took a three week break over Christmas and New Year.

By this time work place agreements were compulsory and some entrepreneurial teachers could see that they were on to a good thing.

In a landmark case in 2012 the entire staff of Socrates Heights Primary asked for a pay increase of 50% in return for working from 6.00a.m. until 7.00p.m. each day and teaching classes of 50 children.  They got it!

Well, then the workplace productivity agreement floodgates really opened wide.

In 2013, a teacher called Comenius Brown found himself in great need of money.  He entered into an agreement with the Education Department to teach 1000 children for 50 weeks of the year.  He was given a 120% pay rise.  Unfortunately he died early in second semester, but he died rich and had a very large funeral.

In 2014, a teacher named Erasmus Jones gained a 500% pay rise because he undertook to teach 28,000 children for 51 weeks a year.

He did this by using the giant T.V. screen  at the W.A.C.A. ground.  (This screen had been erected years earlier by Sir Kerry Packer.  Packer is the man who in 2001 bought New Zealand as a gift to the Australian nation in honour of its 100th birthday.)

Erasmus maintained that the most “productive” schools ever to have existed were the tiny “one teacher” rural schools that dotted the Australian landscape in the first half of the 1900s.

He organised his school at the W.A.C.A. on the same system.  Into each seating block he placed equal numbers of children from Pre-Primary to Year 10.  He then gave instructions via the giant T.V. screen and encouraged peer group tutoring on a scale never previously seen anywhere in the world.

Not only that, he obtained the school canteen franchise from the W.A.C.A. (they kept 15% of the profits) and his wife made millions of dollars selling pies, sausage rolls and vegemite sandwiches to 28,000 children each day.

Erasmus’ idea attracted the eye of Lord Rupert Murdoch (Murdoch had become a Chinese citizen in 2010 and now owned every newspaper and Chinese take-away restaurant in the world.)

Murdoch quickly moved in and set up similar schools to Erasmus in every capital city.  Within two years his World Series Education Tests were attracting high ratings and running continuously from 5.30a.m. till 9.30p.m. each day.

Then Lord Murdoch made a workplace agreement with one teacher who was to teach every child in Australia.  He did this by means of a virtual reality Sky Channel hook up to every home T.V. set in the country.

Naturally this put every other teacher out of work......except me.  Yes, I’m the teacher Lord Murdoch employs every day of the year to go on national T.V. and teach eight million children from 5.00 a.m. to 9.30p.m.

My problem now, in 2020, is that I would like a pay rise to top up my superannuation.  Rupert knows I have only one year to go before I retire.  As I can’t work any more hours in the day, or weeks in the year, he is insisting that I should donate some of my very vital organs to his medical research institute (actually, it's a tax dodge) and agree to work for at least two years after I am dead.

Rupert is a very enterprising bargainer. But, what else can I do? I've nothing left to give up!

The Wedding Speech.

Oh, No! It is the last day of January and I have only written one blog this month.  Well, it is the holiday season and I am still very much in holiday mode, so I guess I'll have to go into the vault to find something to post before February gets here.

On September 30,  2000, our youngest daughter, Emily, married Carl Barrett and this is my speech as Father of the Bride.  Our Son in law, Denis Belliveau did an excellent job as MC. As usual my speech is longer than it needed to be but it was a very special occasion. It was also the  first major public outing for Lesley after her six month long chemotherapy and radiotherapy regime for breast cancer.

Thank you, Denis.

May I say straight away that Lesley and I are absolutely delighted that Carl and Emily are married...at last.

May I also say it has been a very interesting experience for me to be living in a family that is planning for a wedding. There can be a lot of excitement, a lot of tension and quite a deal of stress in any family as various people make and unmake decisions and plans leading up to the big day.

Fortunately we were not like one family where the 'bride to be" was becoming increasingly upset that her mother seemed to be making arrangements and generally taking charge of proceedings.

Finally came the big family showdown and the girl said, "Mother, I do wish you would stop interfering. This is MY wedding. After all, you have already had your wedding."

"No Dear," the mother replied sweetly, "that was my mother's wedding. This is MY  wedding!"

Carl and Emily played a major role in the planning of their wedding, but as they are living in Carnarvon a lot of the nitty gritty work was carried out by Lesley, and  by Emily's sisters, Jane and Sarah. Of course, I also thank Carl's family for their great assistance in making this day possible.

From the start my role was quite clear...to say nothing, to listen carefully and to do exactly what I was told.!

Of course I had known all along that this would be my role as I had lived through the tumultuous family years of 1988 and 1989.In 1988 through 1989, Emily, Sarah and Jane were all teenagers. I lived in a house with three teenage girls... and a teenage wife. I knew if I survived that I could survive the Year of the Wedding!

And I knew that if I became confused about my role I would have four beautiful ladies telling me exactly what to do and when. This is very important...it is good to have clear instructions, because not knowing exactly what to do causes personality disorders and can lead to dire consequences.

Just like the 50 metre breaststroke race between the redhead, brunette and blonde.

They all dived into the pool and pretty soon the brunette touched the finish line, closely followed by the redhead. Then a long, long, long while later the blonde finished the race.

When they got out of the pool a reporter caught up with the blonde and said. "Obviously the 50 metre breaststroke is not your best event".

“Maybe not," said the Blonde, “and I don't want you to think I'm a sore loser, but I'm sure those other girls were using their hands."

Emily and Carl. What a great couple they are! In fact look at the wedding party.

What a wonderful array of beautiful women and handsome young men. People of my generation can have great hope for the future of our country with such fine young people coming along.

I suppose it is appropriate, as Father of the Bride, that I speak particularly of Emily.

Like her two sisters, Jane and Sarah, Emily is a beautiful person...on the inside and on the outside.

Of course Emily and her sisters can thank me for their good looks. It's true! You see 32 years, one month, four days and four hours ago I had the greatest of good fortune...I married their beautiful mother.

It was the greatest day of my life and Lesley is the only First Prize that I have ever won. I'm sure some thirty or forty years down the track Carl will say exactly the same of Emily.

Lesley has been a wonderful wife and mother and I thank her for giving me such a wonderful family. In fact my whole family is the better for Lesley being in it.

I remember one Christmas evening about thirty years ago. Our family had gathered for a Christmas meal at the home of my Aunty Tassie and Uncle Jack. During the night my Uncle Jack said to me, "Noel, you know the best thing that you have ever done in your life is to bring Lesley into our family."

How right he was! And I know that Emily, and her sisters, give thanks and count themselves very fortunate for having such a wonderful mother. Not only did Lesley give them their good looks, she gave them something far more important...strength of character. This year in particular, Lesley has displayed great courage and fortitude in the face of adversity. She is a shining example to us all. 

August 16. To a lot of people it's the that day Elvis died. To us, living in Donnybrook in 1975, it was the wonderful day when Emily Elizabeth Bourke was born. I was there when she was born. I was there when the nurse placed her in Lesley's arms. We loved her at first sight and we have loved her ever since.

She was four years younger than Sarah and six years younger than Jane. Growing up in Donnybrook we often called her, "Little Emily".I remember once, when she was about three she told me she wished that she was big.

"How big do you want to be?" I asked.

She said, "I want to be so big that when I sit on the toilet seat...my feet can touch the ground."

It think it was shortly after that that  Lesley took Emily and her sisters to see the circus at Egan Park in Donnybrook. They had gone with a family friend and her three children. Everybody enjoyed the circus except Emily. In our family life she had been surrounded by laughter, music and song. The circus was a disturbing experience. She became terrified of the clowns who were rushing around yelling and screaming, letting off noisy firecrackers, blowing whistles and throwing things at the audience.

"I want to go home Mummy", she pleaded and sobbed.Lesley could see that she was distressed and arranged for the older girls to come home with her friend as she took Emily out of the circus.

As they walked home Lesley was naturally disappointed that she was missing out on the fun of seeing Jane and Sarah's delight at all the Circus acts. On the other hand Emily quickly became her old cheerful self.

“Were going home now, Mummy. We go home and watch it on television."

Or the time when a big, black stray cat, wandered into our front yard in Donnybrook. Emily liked the cat right from the start. More importantly, the cat liked Emily, but Lesley told her it could not come inside the house.

Much later in the afternoon Lesley wondered why Emily had not come in to get her glass of milk and a biscuit. She went to the front door and there on the front step of the verandah sat Emily gently stroking the cat that lay curled up beside her.

Emily turned, saw Lesley and said, "Mummy, if this cat could come inside...then I could come inside too!" Even at three years of age she had a strong sense of loyalty!

Of course Emily was our youngest daughter, but she often referred to herself as our "Only" child.

Her  two older sisters left home fairly early in life. Jane spent her 21st birthday working in Japan. When Sarah turned 21 she was in Canada, falling in love with Denis.

Emily was happy to stay home. She had her 21st birthday and celebrated it in style right here in Perth...while Lesley and I were on holidays in France! We did ring her up!

But living at home for about seven years as our "only" child, Emily did get to spend a lot of what she called "quality time" with us. And we loved it.

From an early age Emily has barracked for East Perth, the Mighty Royals. In 1987 she and I became members of the West Coast Eagles (Emily was a Junior Squadron member), the first Western Australian team to play in a  National football competition. I really enjoyed the fact that she would come to the football with me.I wasn't sure if it was because she liked the football or that she felt it was her duty to keep her old Dad company. I soon found out.

One day after another Eagles win we were driving home and Emily asked what time the TV replay started. I said it was already on but we would arrive home in time to see most of the second quarter.

"I hope we get home by the 19th minute mark of the second quarter," said Emily.

"Why is that?" I asked.

"That's when Chris Mainwaring took that spectacular mark on the half forward flank."

Obviously it was the football, or more particularly certain footballers, rather than keeping me company that now held Emily's main interest.Chris Mainwaring and Craig Turley were her favourites.

Soon after that she became interested in a boy at school named Carl! They have been great mates ever since....and now they are married.Little Emily has grown into a beautiful woman and a beautiful person.I don't think you could find anyone on this earth who knows Emily who could say a bad word against her.

Today she is Carl's beautiful bride.Her mother and I are thrilled that she has chosen Carl to be her husband.Over the years we have come to know and love Carl for his fine qualities and we are pleased to welcome him into our family as our son. He is a wonderful young man. We know that he will cherish Emily and love her for evermore.

We are pleased also that as a result of their marriage today the Bourke and Barrett families have a special bond. Over the years we have grown to know Gayle, David and their children very well. We enjoy their friendship and their company and will do so into the future.

Today, in the readings chosen by Carl and Emily, we heard those beautiful words of St Paul about love. Love is patient and kind. Love is not demanding. Love does not end.  He was 2000 years in front of another Paul...Paul McCartney, who, with John Lennon, wrote "All you need is love, love is all you need.!"

Well, maybe these days it doesn't hurt to have a sound financial plan as well!

And we heard in St Mark's Gospel that marriage is when a man and a women become one. Sometimes the trouble starts when they try to decide WHICH one! But marriage doesn't mean you surrender your personality and become subservient. In some mystical way the two become one so that together each is greater and more fulfilled than they could ever be on their own.

Well Emily and Carl, I say that a successful marriage must have two basic ingredients:

1. Finding the right one.
2. Being the right one. 

 True love does not end. Marriage is for life.

I once heard a lady say, "When I married my husband I thought I had found Mr Right. I didn't know that I had married Mr Always Right!"

Mae West said "Marriage is a great institution, but who wants to spend the rest of their life in an institution." Well, Carl and Emily, as one who has happily spent over 32 years in that institution I can only say I hope that you both enjoy it as much as I have.

But being married isn't about gazing lovingly into each other's eyes....it is about both of you looking together to the future...and working for the future that you have planned together. Marriage is about sharing and caring, of considering your partner above yourself. It isn't always easy...but it is always worthwhile.

Love is not demanding. Love is about giving and seeking to make the loved one happy. And the funny thing is, when love is reciprocated, the more you give, the more you receive. This is often done in very subtle ways. When a wife laughs at her husband's jokes it means either that he has found a very clever joke...or has a very loving wife.

Ogden Nash, the great American humorist, summed up the secret to a good marriage in four lines:

To keep your marriage brimming

With love, in the wedding cup

When ever you're wrong admit it

Whenever you're right...shut up!

It is well and truly time for me to shut up. Before I do, Lesley and I thank all of you here present for being with us today. Thank you for honouring us with your presence. Thank you for being witnesses to this celebration of joy and love to mark this magnificent moment, the marriage of our beloved daughter, Emily, to her beloved husband, Carl.

It has been written that where children find true love, their parents find true joy. Lesley and I, and all of your friends and relations, here and far away, wish you, Emily and Carl, true love and true joy from this day forward.

Congratulations and Good Luck!