The day I sang at the Burswood Resort.
The
Burswood Resort Hotel and Crown Casino
is a world class recreation and entertainment centre in Perth. In August 2000,
I appeared on the stage of the Burswood Resort’s large theatre. In fact, I appeared on that stage and also in the very spacious Ballroom
One for three days. It was in that very large ballroom that I sang to about 400
hundred people.
How did it
happen? Well, it’s a short story. However, you know me. Why tell a short story
when you can make it much, much longer.
I developed this “short story into long story” habit when I was writing
articles for newspapers. They paid by the word, so I would turn a 700 word
story into a 1200 word story and wait for the cheque to arrive. Unfortunately,
the Features Editor would turn my 1200 word story into a 600 word story with a
cheque to match, But, Of course, that’s another story.
In April 2000, I was Principal at Doubleview
Primary School. I was also a member of the Western Australian Primary Principals’
Association. I had been a member of WAPPA since 1982. I also used to
write articles for WAPPA’s quarterly magazine, which was rather blandly titled
WORDS. Some of my stories were of an educational nature but others were
fanciful and whimsical observations of life. At least I thought so!
I was also
the Chairman of the Swanbourne Chapter of the Primary Principals’
Association. I was proud of this because, without boasting too much, I had
been responsible for establishing the first metropolitan chapter of WAPPA. It
was actually the Scarborough Chapter when it was first formed but one day the
District Director phoned and said Doubleview School was now in the Swanbourne
District. It was quite a moving experience, even though I stayed sitting in my
chair in Doubleview on the end of a phone call.
Co-incidentally, the very first chapter of WAPPA was established in Albany a few years earlier by a principal named Noel Strickland, who had been young student at Tranby Primary School when I was teaching there in the late 1960s. I am not absolutely certain, but there are now about 30 WAPPA Chapters in metropolitan and rural areas. So, it is true! From little things, big things grow.
Moving on.
In April 2000, I received a phone call from a fellow primary principal, Alan
Beard. Alan told me he was on the WAPPA Conference Committee and said the committee wanted to know if I would be available to be the
MC at WAPPA’s annual conference at the Burswood Resort Hotel in August.
Wow! The
WAPPA Conference was huge! I had written several stories for WAPPA . I had even
been the featured speaker at two WAPPA Welcoming Dinners, which in those days were
held at the South of Perth Yacht Club at the beginning of each year to
welcome Principals new to the metropolitan area to WAPPA. But MC at a three-day
WAPPA Conference? That was a giant leap for me. I asked if I could speak
with the committee and talk about it.
Alan said that was a good idea and I attended the committee’s May meeting.
Despite my
misgivings, the organising committee felt I was the person for the job. I must
point out that since its inception in the early 1970s, the MC duties the Annual
WAPPA Conference had usually been performed by the president of the association.
Early conferences were held in places like the Belmont Racecourse function
room, Mt Lawley Teachers College Hall and a large function hall at the
University of WA. However, as WAPPA’s membership grew it became financially
viable in the early 1990s to hold conferences in the Sheraton Hotel. Conferences
became bigger and bigger. In order to free up the WAPPA president for the many
of duties and tasks that came his way during conference, it was decided that
each year the committee would appoint a primary principal to do the job. It
seems that in 2000 it was my turn. When I asked what my job was, I was told that
I would introduce each key speaker and at the conclusion of their presentation
I would thank them very much and make some brief references to their witty,
wise, informative, educational, instructive or illuminating contribution. No
mention of how to respond to a deadly dull and boring presentation. The theme of the 2000 Conference was “Worth
Fighting For”. Everyone at that conference agreed that primary education was
worth fighting for. I accepted the position of Conference MC based on the
committee’s confidence that I could do the job
Which how
I came to be on the stage of the Burswood Hotel Resort one day in August
introducing The Honourable Colin Barnett, the Minister for Education and
later Premier of Westen Australia. One thing I quickly learned at this
conference was that I had to stay alert and mindful of what each speaker was
saying because, when it ended, I had to give a concise, erudite and, if
possible, witty response. Being alert and mindful a conference was not my usual
Modus Operandi.
Responding
to Minister Barnett was easy because he was so well informed about his
education portfolio and a very experienced speaker with an interesting delivery.
The following speaker, however, was a different kettle of fish. This speaker,
whom I shall call Mr Smith because that is definitely not his name, was the
owner of a large manufacturing business and one of the sponsors of the
conference. Obviously, when he asked if he could make a presentation the
committee readily agreed. Why risk a sponsor’s substantial financial contribution.
From the
outset, Mr Smith announced that he was not a public speaker but he had a great
interest in education. He also said that he knew some people would not understand his message and he
would not be offended if they left the theatre during his talk. I should have
left straight away.
I did not
really follow all of Mr Smith’s arguments but the gist of it seemed to be that
being a school principal was a very important and exceedingly arduous task. No doubt the theatre full of
principals agreed with him. However, after that he launched into a lengthy
narrative about his own life and the difficulties he encountered along the way
and every day. Some people were leaving the theatre. As Mr Smith started
talking about all of the problems other people have in a whole variety of jobs,
more and more people started leaving.
Eventually,
Mr Smith concluded his talk and it was my task to succinctly summarise what he
had said. I did not really have any idea what he had said. I thanked Mr Smith
for his contribution and told the remaining principals that Mr Smith’s
presentation reminded me of a game of golf I had played a few years ago. With
two friends, I was about to hit off on the first tee when a gentleman
approached. He asked if we could make it a foursome rather than he playing by
himself after we had teed off. We reluctantly agreed and then hit our balls
down the fairway. The gentleman stepped up, addressed the ball and took an
almighty swing. He missed the ball but the wind from his swing dislodged it and it dribbled bout 20 centimetres
from of the tee. Unabashed, he picked the ball up, placed it on the tee and had
another go. He topped the ball. It bounced and rolled about thirty metres
before stopping just a few metres in front of the Ladies’ Tee. The four of us set off and then
waited while the stranger took out a fairway wood and addressed the ball. This
time he made good contact. The ball went straight down the fairway for fifty
metres and then sliced sharply to the right and disappeared into the well
wooded rough. As we set off to try and find his missing ball the stranger
slammed his fairway wood back into his golf bag and said, “Gee, this is one of
the toughest golf courses I’ve ever played on.” A few people laughed, The
others were either not golfers or were fast asleep.
I am very
happy to say that the rest of the
conference, in my opinion at least, went quite well. However, by Day Three, having
to concentrate on each keynote speaker’s every word had made me quite weary. At lunch on that
final day, I gave some thought as to how
I would conclude my conference career. I had a joke I thought I could use but
it was, shall we say, a trifle delicate in mixed company, as it mentioned the
word Penis.
However,
during that final afternoon session one of the speakers dropped the word penis
into his presentation. OK. I thought, if the distinguished professor can say
it, so can I. And an about ninety minutes later I did!
So, after
about 1500 words, we finally approach my fifteen minutes of fame at Burswood Crown Casino Resort. “Ladies and
gentlemen,” I proclaimed, “we are coming to end of a wonderful conference that
showed us that Primary Education really is worth fighting for! However, before
I hand over to the President of WAPPA for his closing remarks, I would like to
share just a few thoughts of my own. I was not going to make these remarks
because they use the word penis. However, as one of our wonderful keynote
speakers has used this word today, I feel free to carry on.
“I want to
tell you about a man who was sitting eating his breakfast. He worked in the
local pickle factory. His wife was busy at the sink when he said, “You know,
sometimes at work I get as great urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer.”
“ ‘You
what?’ exclaimed his wife. “ ‘You’re sick. You should see a therapist.’”
“ ‘Oh, no
need for that, ’” he replied. “’ I have very strong self-control. It will never
happen.’”
“A week
later, his wife returned home from the shopping at about 11-30 am and, to her
great surprise, she found her husband
slumped in a lounge room chair. He looked stunned and shell shocked.”
“What’s
wrong? Why are you home so early? Are you ill?’” asked his concerned wife.
“ ‘I don’t
know how it happened. I couldn’t help myself.’” He replied. “ ‘I put my penis
in the pickle slicer.’”
“ ‘You
what?’” cried his wife. “Well, what happened then?’”
“’They gave me the sack.’”
“ ‘Gave
you the sack. But…but…she stammered as she pointed to her lower abdomen, “‘But…but, what
about the business with the pickler slicer?’”
“’ Oh, they
gave her the sack, too.’”
This joke
was well received. I told the audience that my story showed that whether we are at a conference,
talking with colleagues or our staff or the parents at school, or even our
spouses, we must try very hard to make sure that when someone is telling us something we should make sure what we think
they are telling to us is actually the same thing as what they think
they are telling us.
I then
informed the conference that I was going to sing my closing remarks. Before
there was any clamour for me to rethink, I hastened to add that I had once sung
in the Paris Opera House, “Yes,” I said reassuringly. “ Two years ago,
my wife and I took the opportunity, one afternoon, to wander through the Paris
Opera House. There was no performance and when we were on the balcony of the
Dress Circle, I noticed that there were no other people in the place. I leaned
forward over the balcony railing and sang, “Do Mi So Doh.” The Tonic
Solfa! The
only clapping was my wife clapping her arms around me and dragging me away from
the balcony rail.
My
conference audience, suitably impressed, or perhaps stunned, remained silent. “My song to close this conference came to me
in a flash of inspiration during lunch today. At least the words did. The music
is by the American composer Stephen Foster, called “Beautiful Dreamer”
which if you will pardon me for saying so, often reminds me of Slim Dusty’s Pub
With Know Beer. After taking a very deep breath I launched into:-
“Wonderful conference, we have enjoyed, by various speakers we’ve been uplifted and buoyed. But now it's time, as our conference ends, for us to say sadly, ‘Farewell’ to old friends.' Wonderful conference, Oh thank you, WAP-PA. We’re going back to places, near and far. At least when we get there, we’ll know what’s worth fighting for. Wonderful conference, we thank you once more. Wonderful conference, Oh thank you, WAP-PA.”
I stepped
down from the stage to spontaneous applause. To this day there are some who argue
that fifty per cent of those present were
not applauding my singing but the fact that I had stopped.
The Aftermath. I can say that I was the very last primary principal ever to be asked to be the MC an Annual WAPPA Conference. In 2001, the conference committee, in its wisdom, paid for a professional presenter to be the MC. His name was Glen Capelli. He was excellent. Not only that, he was an ex-pupil of Doubleview Primary School and spoke with great affection of his school days at that school. As do I.
This is the second Blog story I have written about the WAPPA Conference. My earlier story was titled Red Wine is a Health Hazard. By clicking on the link you may find out why I found it much more fun being a conference delegate rather a conference MC. Although I am rather proud of the fact that I was the last Primary Principal to perform that role. After me, they broke the mould.
