This is a speech that I gave at the Joondalup District Principals Christmas Luncheon, held at the Boardwalk Restaurant in East Fremantle on Friday, December 9, 1999.
Why it was held at a venue almost 40 kilometres from Joondalup I do not know?
At that time principals were just coming to grips with The Curriculum Framework and the Student Outcomes Statements. Perhaps we just wanted to get right away from it all.
Sadly, my good friend Geoff Woods, who features in a totally fictitious anecdote in my speech, passed away in 2009 after a long and brave battle with cancer. He was far too young and is still sadly missed.
Sad too that my great mate, Clem Combes, has also passed on. The story told about Clem is completely true.
As for the venue, it was first class and it turned out to be quite long lunch. A bit like my speech (es).
Introduction: Approach microphone...stare at audience...pause for about thirty seconds
seconds
Good afternoon everyone.
Pardon my long pause, but I was just
savouring all of your attention.
A few years ago at a Principals' Conference at the Sheraton Hotel I went to a
concurrent session on Communications where I was told by an expert communicator that the most interest an
audience has in a speaker is the period between his getting to the mike and when he actually starts talking.
As soon as he opens his mouth the interest drops away.
Yes, I can see it spilling all over the floor right now.
The interest level then flattens out to around 45%-55%, until the
speaker says key words and phrases such as, "And in Conclusion" or
"Finally, may I just say..." or "Before finishing let me make
these three points".
Then the audience bustles and sits up straight, saying to
themselves, "Oh, he's finishing. I'd better listen to these three last
points."
Of course some smart aleck speakers say that and then go tediously on and on to
raise another 15 more points.
Anyhow, I've resigned myself to this situation and know that
most of you are now listening on auto pilot.
Brian Dick rang me up earlier in the week and began chatting
away in a most affable fashion. I thought "Gee, Brian must be a well organised
bloke. Here I am working flat out...work piled up all around...test papers,
reports, accountability documents to be filled in, interruptions every 90
seconds and yet Brian has time to call me and chat about my health, the
weather, the cricket.
And then he hit me!
"Noel, you wouldn't mind saying a few words after the
luncheon on Friday, would you?"
You wouldn't mind! It is very hard to refuse that form of
request. Not many of us would say, "Yes, I jolly well would mind!"
No, we tend to want to please and so we agree.
Although, I was reluctant.
"Brian" I said. "I hope you don't want me to
stand up and say something funny about the year in education. It is a very hard
thing to do. A few years ago, Peter Meares was on the WAPPA publications
committee and asked me to write regular humorous articles about education to WAPPA WORDS. It is very hard to do and
readers of some of my stories in WORDS will know that they have only very
tenuous links to education. Some unkind people have even said that my stories have even
less tenuous links to humour!
Sensing my reluctance, Brian assured me I did not have to
talk about education.
"Noel, you can talk about anything you like."
"Anything? you beauty I can talk about my
hobby...raising Siamese lugg worms for fun and profit."
"Well," said Brian, "maybe not anything...but
I'm sure you'll think of something."
And so here I am. But this is really a job for Jeff Woods. I
remember when I was on Professional Development committees in the old Scarborough and Swanbourne
Districts. I'd get on the phone and ask Jeff to give us a humorous summary of
the year that was.And he always did it with style...and a big smile.
Of course the reason Jeff is always smiling is that he is
fabulously wealthy.
He has made piles of money out of his vast text book
publishing empire.
Piles of money. Of course there was a time when Jeff had
piles of a different sort.
Haemorrhoids!
Jeff went to the chemist and brought some haemorrhoid cream.
You may remember the brand name of the cream. It was
extensively advertised on T.V. as Anusol, pronounced Annu- sole. I thought that
this was a clever, in fact, a very cheeky marketing ploy.
I mean annus is Latin for ring and it is also the medical term
for what we call our bottom; our rear end, our backside, our posterior or as
some rude people would say it, a word that rhymes with "grasshole". So Anusol cream
is actually a really fancy way of saying a word that rhymes with grasshole cream.
Anyhow Jeff, who likes a glass of wine occasionally, had had
quite a few occasionals that night. As a result, when he went to the bathroom
he was slightly bewitched, bothered and bewildered and he put the haemorrhoid
cream on his toothbrush and toothpaste
on his haemmorhoids.
I saw Jeff a day or two later. He was not smiling.
He told me his lips were like dried prunes and his gum had
all wrinkled up and were going into recession.
"Oh Jeff" I said that must be awful..."
"It certainly is, but, Noel there is one good
thing."
"Oh, what's that, Geoff?"
"At least I now have a ring of
confidence!"
Today we are privileged to have with us Mr Peter Brown the
Acting Director General.
He has certainly made a very positive impression since
coming to the job.
Acting Director General. I must say I am looking forward to
next March. I mean, he has been so good as Acting Director general. I think he will probably win the
Academy Award.
"And for best Acting Director General in any
category...the winner is...Peter Brown ...For his performance in EDWA!"
I met Peter some years ago. He would not remember. It was at
a WAPPA cocktail party at the Langley Plaza to welcome the new
Minister...Norman Moore.
Well anyhow, before the speeches got under way, then WAPPA
President, Mike Berson, introduced me to Peter. I was pleased and surprised.
Surprised...because up until then I had thought that HE was Norman Moore.
Of course Peter has been very busy visiting schools since he
took over from Mrs Vardon...sometimes known as Dolly.
We've had a musical kind of year in Education.
First it was the sequel to Hello Dolly...Good-Bye Dolly.
Then we got The Boy From West OZ!
I know my daughter,Emily, who was appointed to Carnarvon Primary
School this year was quick to ring me up and say, "Dad, guess what? Today
I had morning tea with the Director General and he even came into my room and
talked with me and the children."
"He made a big impression. I told the children that Mr
Roper was in charge of Carnarvon Primary School but Mr Brown was in charge of all of the
schools in Western Australia. When he left one of the children said, "He's
a very important man, Miss'.
"Yes, he's in charge of all the schools'.
'No miss, he's a very important man...he's wearing a dark
suit!"
You don't see many suits, dark or otherwise, in Carnarvon.
Peter visited SIDE earlier this year.The School of Isolated and Distance Education. SIDE.
SIDE. What a name?
I mean it is not really good for our corporate image when
the Director General and the Directors of Operations have a teleconference to
expound EDWA policy and they have to go to SIDE to put on the show. It becomes
just a sideshow!
I don't know what we can do with SIDE.
Distance and Isoloated Education School is DIES...not very
suitable and Isolated and Distant Education School is IDES. We all know what
happened to a great Roman leader on the Ides of March, so maybe EDWA leaders
would shun going anywhere near IDES.
I think SIDE should be renamed...Technological Electronic Regional Resource Institute For
Improved Curriculum....TERRIFIC!
Then instead of a teleconference being a SIDE-show
it would be a TERRIFIC show.
Peter was visiting SIDE earlier this year. He was being
shown around by my very good friend, Clem Combes, who is the Executive Officer
for the Principals at SIDE.
Clem introduced Peter to a teacher we will call Sue.
Sue, I'd like you to meet Peter Brown, Director General of
Education."
"He's not!"
"Yes, Sue, this is Peter Brown, the Director
General"
"Oh, Clem. Don't be silly. He's not the D-G. He's one of your old fishing
mates and I bet you've got him here to do some relief teaching!"
Clem was extremely embarrassed. But, here is the part of the
story I like. The Director General rose to the occasion, nudged Clem to one
side and said to Sue, "Yes, I'm Clem’s fishing mate alright and I'm dressed up in this suit just to do a day's
relief!"
Now, that makes me feel good. I am very happy to know that
the leader of our organisation has that sense of fun.
Yes, mistakes are often made. Mistakes about the right cream
and where to put it. Mistakes about people, about mistaken identities.
But people can sometimes even misunderstand basic English.
I mean how many of you...before outcome statements...used to
write double meaning reports.
You would write...Billy tries very hard.
The parents would be overjoyed. Good old Billy the little
battler. They would proudly show the report to the grandparents.
What you actually meant was Billy had to try hard because he
was a mental moron in Grade 7 who should never passed out of Grade Three.
Some other misunderstood report comments…
"Has a love of Oral Expression"....the class chatterer, drives
everybody crazy.
"Has a finely tuned sense of fun"...the class clown. Disrupts
every lesson.
Before I illustrate this point about misunderstanding the
meaning of words, let me say that I do not swear.
It doesn't make me a better person but I just don't swear. I
think it is because many years ago I was in National Service and later spent
two years in what is now the Army Reserve. In the army swearing is actually the
language that is spoken. Conversations consist of lengthy stretches of swearing
interspersed with a few English words. It doesn't bother me...but I was always
fascinated how a group of soldiers could stand around discussing the weather or
the football in the foulest language and when a WAAF or nurse came within
earshot they would carry on their conversation with all expletives deleted.
I just knew that I wouldn't be able to do that. I didn't
have those verbal brakes.
If I became a swearer
I wouldn't be able to suddenly stop in the presence of a lady.
I mention this because in demonstrating how quite simple and
quite common words can be misunderstood I need to mention a word...it is not a
swear word...it is a perfectly proper English word...but not one that pops up
in general conversation, if it pops up anywhere at all. The word is penis.
Now we all know that penis is defined in most dictionaries as The male member! Now I
find that very funny. The male member! Member of what? The cricket team? Member
of parliament?
I have a mental picture of the male member sitting in the House
of Lords, wearing a wig, the male member rising to...well, maybe not rising...
Anyhow, I first came across the word penis when I was in grade three.
I was in Mrs Brown's class at Christian Brothers Highgate in
Harold Street. Each day we had writing lessons...we called it transcription.
After lunch we would come into the room and Mrs Brown would
have this beautiful copperplate writing on the board which we would transcribe into our transcription books.
Under the letters that we had to practice writing would be a sentence for us to copy. This
was always a proverb or aphorism such as “Manners maketh the man”, “Where
there's a will there's a way”, “Time and Tide wait for no man”.
While we were
transcribing, Mrs Brown would talk to us about the message behind the sentence.
Yes, even way back then they taught values in schools.
One day Mrs Brown said, "Noel Bourke stand up please
and read the sentence on the board."
I quickly jumped to my feet and read out aloud, "The
penis mightier than the sword."
Mrs Brown was not amused and asked another boy. He read,
"The pen is mightier that the sword."
At afternoon recess my friends giggled and laughed at me. I
had made a fool of myself. This was to become a lifelong trend.
One of them explained to me the meaning of the word penis. I
was flabbergasted. I was seven years old and I already knew eight words for
penis...and penis wasn't one of them.
There was this fellow who worked in a pickle factory. One
day at breakfast he said to his wife, "You know, sometimes at the pickle
factory I have this overwhelming urge to put my penis into the pickle
slicer."
"You what?" exclaimed his wife. "You're sick!
You need help. Ring the doctor. Get a referral to a sex therapist."
"No, I'll be alright" said the husband."I've got will power. I am in charge of my own body. I can
control these urges. Don't worry about it."
A week later his wife came home from shopping. It was 1-00
clock in the afternoon and her husband was sitting slumped in a lounge chair.
His face looked like wet, grey plasticine.
"Why are you home so early, Dear? What's the
matter?"
"I couldn't help myself," said her husband."I just couldn't help myself. I put my penis in the pickle slicer"
"Oh no," screamed his wife. 'You didn't! What
happened?"
"They gave me that sack."
"They gave you the sack? But what about...what
about...well, you know...what about the pickle slicer?
"Oh, they gave her the sack too!"
Well, I think I have said enough to ensure that I will not
be invited back next year. I can see my District Director, David Carvosso, making notes...obviously to
do with my Performance Management tasks for next year... in Fitzroy Crossing!
So finally... and in
conclusion...before I finish... just let me say...
Ah, now the attention
levels are rising.
I just want to close by saying it is getting close to Christmas. Now I
am of the old school that believes it is not really Christmas till Bing Crosby sings about it. So I propose to end with a little song.
It is not about Christmas...it is about education...after
all this is a gathering of educators.
The words came to me in a flash of brilliance today at morning tea
time.The well known tune is linked to Christmas and dear old Bing Crosby.
Despite what you are about to hear, I did actually practise
this song this morning and it is possible some of you may recognise parts of the tune...when I sing
in tune that is.
“Oh, I'm working with an outcomes statement
Not like the way I worked before.
Then the children would listen, and I would teach them
How in tests to get a good score.
Oh, I'm working with an outcomes statement
and with each report card that I write
I say, ”You've achieved some sort of outcome all right.
So that must make you very, very bright.”
That's right, folks...Jingle Bells!
Merry Christmas to you all.